How to win almost any argument

What happens if you are on the receiving end of negative feedback during a debate, or an ‘executive heckle’ during a presentation?

How do you respond?

Our natural reaction is to push back, to defend your position, which creates friction and ‘heat’.

That is what happens when you respond to a negative proposition with ‘Yes but’. You are setting yourself apart from the questioner, defending an alternative position.

By contrast, had you responded to the heckler with ‘Yes and’: what you have just done is agree with the heckler, at least partially, and then been able to move onto the reasons why it is an ‘and’

This subtle but fundamentally important distinction was brought home to me years ago. I was in a running debate with the MD of a conglomerate to whom I reported as GM of a division at EBIT. I had taken over as the GM after 5 years as Marketing manager, running the logistics, and part of the sales in my spare time. It had been turned around from a disaster into a commercially aggressive, successful and profitable entity.

The MD’s latest ‘brain-fart’ at the time was to incorporate the division into the much larger core division of the company. The much larger division was monolithic, and relatively unprofitable, lacking the innovation, commercial skills, and ‘can do’ culture of our much less bureaucratic smaller division. The MD’s view was that an amalgamation would bring to the larger division the commercial hard edge of its smaller cousin, thus making the larger entity more responsive.

My view expressed strongly was that to amalgamate the smaller division into a larger division would kill the very culture that had been built which made the smaller division successful. There were better ways to address the problems of the larger division than risking smothering the culture of the smaller one.

It was a debate I lost, and resulted in me leaving a short time later, rather unceremoniously.

With the great benefit of hindsight, and from experience gained in the almost 30 years since, what I should have done instead of saying ‘yes but’, and having the argument, which I was certain to lose, was to say ‘yes and’ agreeing that the problems of the larger division were real and needed fixing. I could have then suggested creative and practical solutions to the problems. Instead, I unknowingly chose to lose the argument.

It still may not have worked, but the odds would have moved dramatically into my favour. However, at about 40 years old, and having been given the responsibility of running the business, almost my perfect job, I was too self-unaware and perhaps arrogant to acknowledge the inevitable failure of the path I unwittingly chose to argue the case.

Simple and subtle changes of words can have a profound impact on the response they bring.